I mean, how do you REALLY know when something is the best decision for you? Some things are obvious....uh.....like broccoli is BETTER for you than chocolate (although we all know which TASTES better). Then there are bigger decisions.......like......should we buy a new car? (like one with dual air which I DON'T have). Then there are HUGE decisions that paralyze someone like me. Like......should we have more children?
I always hesitate to post my deep feelings. Probably because they are personal and don't need to be debated or critiqued by anyone in blogland.
But then sometimes feelings just need to come OUT so you can process them better, right? Okay, so like it or not, I'm making a list about WHY this latter mentioned HUGE decision plagues my heart and soul (*please remember that these are feelings of me, myself and I with absolutely NO judgement placed on anyone else who may feel different than me!!).
*I currently feel pushed to a do-able limit with three children
*I know that my 5, 3 and almost 1 year old will someday be teenagers, in college then getting married.....can I handle more than THREE of these things!!!????
*I feel like choosing to be pregnant again (albeit a huge blessing) is as scary as saying I will die for about 6 months and then be partially alive for another 3 months...........how the heck will my existing children be fed, clothed, and cared for during my "so-sick-I'm-basically-dead" time?
*So, then adoption comes to mind
*How do I know that is the right decision first of all? Second question....Russia, China, Domestic, ahhhhhh how to decide?
*Back to pregnancy....even if I do decide to "die" again (pardon my analogy, but that is honestly how it feels), there are no guarantees it will be a boy. Is that secretly what motivates Tucker or I to "go for it one more time?"
*Would we specifically adopt a boy? Is that selfish?
*Will the adopted child feel different than my bio children? Will I?
*We should start the adoption process now if I don't want a huge gap since it can take a while!
*Won't it be hard to do piano, dance, homework.....if I have four? I know other people do it....but can I?
*What if I'm a crazy lunatic mother-of-four? Instead of a semi-sane mother of three...
*I would love my children to have three siblings instead of two....is that reason enough?
*What am I saying, my eyeballs are falling out of my head NOW with three? Can I become a regular coffee drinker to keep up with it all if I have another child?
*This list is ridiculously long and random list, but it is literally 1/100th of what I think about.
I know there is no right answer to my ponderings. I also know I don't have to decide now. But I am a planner and like to know what I should be doing next. And I also know people to whom this is not such a dramatic decision. To me, it is. I have always been an extremely cautious person....I'm afraid of going down the wrong/hard path. I also know that I am not alone in this desicion because of course Tucker is in it with me! But he is 100% open to another child, so essentially it DOES lean more on me.
If you made it this far, thanks. I feel better. And, true to character, I will continue my obsessive answer-less thoughts while anxiously awaiting the arrival of a new pink bundle of joy to one of my best friends in the whole world. Can't wait for some news!!
11 comments:
Oh, I so ditto you on all your thoughts, except that my hubby is done! I'm a planner, too, and was thinking about another one while Brando was about a month old! It's so hard to know, but I know that you would never regret another
(I want another). It's hard now with 3, but your kids are little still. When Pey gets to be 2 or 3- so much easier. Makes you think you could do it! Can I live vicariously through you if you have another? Jill
Ok, so first off, THANK you for your honesty and feelings! It's tough to throw that all out there. And secondly, what a HARD decision. I can't speak from the "bearing" children perspective, but I had the same exact thoughts and hesitations when we first were considering adoption. I can tell you with all my heart that in some amazing and wonderful way, those worries and concerns about biological vs. adopted have completely vanished and I don't even think of them being anything different anymore. IF you were ever to pursue adoption any further, you know I am here to be a listening ear and a very empathetic friend! Whatever you FEEL is right will be right and at the right time and whatever you decide, I just KNOW you will jump in whole-heartedly just as you have with your first 3 beautiful children and you will be able to make it happen. You have no idea how much I admire you not only as my friend, but as a mother for sure! The things you go through to get your children here are pretty incredible and admirable! I love ya!
I to appreciate you sharing your feelings. Your thoughts are those of many more than you may think, I am sure. I can speak from another side of the spectrum, than Kar. She is the expert in the adoption process and all the feelings/emotions that come with it. I understand the 3 kids situation. Of course I am not as far along with it and don't feel quite so comfortable as you yet. It is a such a stressful decision, but you are such an awesome person who does put so much rational thought into your decisions, that I know you will make the right one.
Just pray- I know that sounds cheesy but it works and it brings peace. Maybe just the peace you need to know you don't even have to make this decision right now- seriously you are only 30 and already have three children. You have plenty of time and stragglers are fun and a blessing, just ask my mom:)
Yes, "stragglers" are a blessing. We have two of them!
You know what's weird, the A/C guy came for an estimate, (we have a swamp cooler and want to change over), and he sat down and spent half the time talking to me about having more kids, how the change from 3 to 4 is not anywhere as dramatic as going from 1 to 2, or 2 to 3 kids. He said, by the time you have a 4th, the oldest child is a huge helper beyond anything. I swear, Jade could raise Josh for months if she had to. You have 3 girls, if you adopted a boy, he would be so different from the others, I don't think there would be ANY comparison or issues with bio vs. adopt. He would be spoiled rotten by 3 older sisters when he is not terrorizing them. :) I know you do not want advice, I guess I am kind of going through similar thoughts myself, so some of these things seem natural for me to write back to. I sometimes almost wish there were not so many options! I can't even think about the whole buying a car thing, which we have to do, it's taking me forever just to choose a hutch for our kitchen! Decide on another child? Can my mind just explode first? Love you my sister in conflict!
No advice, just some info:
My mom always says: the 1st child is easy, because you are 2:1, the 2nd child is ok because you are still 1:1, the 3rd child is the most difficult because you are out-numbered, so why not go for it! LOL, she has 6 kids... and stemming from that she always told me that after she gave birth to her 5th child, she immediately felt the need to have just one more. It was like she knew that there was another spirit waiting to join our family. 5 years later, she gave birth to my baby sister, and as soon as she did, she felt as though she was done. She just knew.
Good luck with your decisions, and sometimes there isn't a RIGHT choice, but you have to make sure you make your choice right for your family.
Speaking from a pregnant point of view not sure why anyone would get pregnant again although the outcome is so worth it! =) Anyways now that I am in the process and have watched the process I will 100% adopt when the opportunity arises! Such an amazing thing and if you do go there, the right birthmom would pick you and that baby, boy or girl, would be loved just as much. I watch GT and Malinda with Austin and you would never know the difference! He is SO a part of the family. The kids love him just as much. The fact that he is adopted doesn't even show an ounce. Although I think about it all the time just being in the middle of it. It makes me feel better that Cali will not lack love! The kids are so awesome with me being here and how much they understand and how excited to have a new cousin etc. I have learned that kids aren't given enough credit for how much they can really handle or how much they understand. I made moving here SO BIG in my head for Alyson and in reality she was more ok then I was about it. So my point is if you adopt the kids would totally be ok with it. Actually it would be cool cause then when something about families comes up the kids are more ok then to judge and freak out that other kids don't have a "traditional" family.
Just let me know what you decide and I'll do the same K! Ha, wish it were that easy. Number 4 pregnancy sounds impossible right now. Let alone another person with needs in my life. But some days I feel like, lets just get it done so I don't have to make this dicision for the next 3 years. Sometimes I wish someone would leave a baby on my doorstep!
wow.. I'm so glad that you posted this because I'm experiencing the same thoughts as you are.. I feel like we need to have one more child.. but when is the right time.. and is it one more or two more.. adoption or biological? I feel so blessed that I can be pregnant especially after trying for so long and yet my last pregnancy was horrible.. so I can relate to everything that you posted. Thank you once again for being so honest and candid and I know that giving something so much thought shows just how much you value your family and motherhood. Whatever you deside I'm sure it will be the best for your family.
wow, i do not know where to begin. i totally understand everything you are talking about. i am also a planner and need to know what i should do.
i know this is different then you but i love being prego and the thought of it right now just makes me sick. i hear of friends having babies and i think wow, thank goodness its not us. i love holding the little babies but right now i love giving them back.
i often think do i feel complete because i am crazy busy or is it that i really feel complete?
it has taken aaron and i a lot of talking/praying about it and it gives me peace at the time we are done. this could change in a few years but for now, this is our family.
i hope i made sense. if nothing else it made me feel better since i do not open up in blogland.
I think you expressed your feelings very well... And if there is a right and wrong answer?? I dont think so.... Its that feeling deep down inside that nags away at you telling you that there is more...
More room for love and laughter and yes heartbrake.....
But from reading your blogs and in a strange way getting to know the person you are and the mother you are I think you will love your children the same biological or adopted.
In a lot of ways you sound SO SO SO much like me!! Me and preg dont go together... If I am not sick as a dog from the min I get preg I am losing my sweet angels....
man so sorry for going on!!
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