Mothering Thus Far

I've been pondering my experience as a mother thus far. I often recall a conversation I had with a fellow mother...nearly 4 years ago. I think Lexi was a baby and Jordyn wasn't even two. I hadn't hit a really difficult phase with either child yet. I mean, of course it was a lot of work to merely care for their needs. But they hadn't yet developed opinions and I didn't have to do much discipline or really teach them much (besides "please" "thank you" or "ABC"). They were still oblivious to how I felt - if I was happy, sad, mad, etc. I was able to keep things pretty much how I wanted them. Bedtime, naps, food, clothing, was exactly how I pictured it to be.

This mother had kids a few years older than I did. Maybe 5, 3, and 1.

She asked me one day "Do you think you are a better mother , or a worse mother, than you thought you'd be?

I was caught off guard, but I honestly answered "I think I'm better than I thought I'd be". I hadn't ever really been a 'baby person' per say, so I had thus far been pleasantly surprised with how much I loved my girls. I guess I equated loving them with being a good mother.

She seemed as though that is not the answer she expected, and when I asked her in return, she said "I am worse than I thought I'd be. I can't seem to keep up, and I always wonder if I'm teaching them enough. I feel like I'm always shouting out commands to them. I feel guilty a lot".

I've pondered this conversation often since then. Little did I know, I was on the brink of some changes. Soon thereafter, Jordyn entered her 2's. The term "terrible twos" might sound cliche, but it was so real for her. She went from a very easy-going, happy child to an emotional wreck. I felt so guilty because there were some days I didn't even like her - and how could a "good" mother possibly not like their child?

And then about a year later, the sibling rivalry began. I couldn't have imagined the change that would bring about in my mothering experience. Along with sibling rivalry came friend rivalry. I was convinced Jordyn would never have any friends because she would fight so much.

Fast fwd to today. I have a 5 (nearly 6) year old, 4 year old and 1 year old. I have the contrast of a baby compared to the 4/5 year old and I ask myself "back when Jordyn was a baby,why did I think it was so hard?". But at the time it WAS hard and it WAS a big change in my life to have a baby. It's just that now, instead of the baby being as hard to me, she is a comfort to me. She doesn't argue with me, she gives me lots of snuggles and she still thinks I am the best thing in the world! She is my sanity many days!

I know children learn much more by example than by words. That has been hard for me, as they've become older and much more aware....they are also much more aware of how I feel, how I react, what I say, how I handle my anger or frustration. I feel so responsible for what they learn - both by my actions and my words. It is overwhelming at times. Its a lot of work to merely keep their clothes clean, their bellies full and their bodies washed. But then to make sure school work is done, and freindships are cultivated, and compassion is taught, and a love for God is instilled, and a respect for mom & dad are enforced, and responsibilities are given..........

Whew! I guess what I'm saying is I just had no idea. I really could not have imagined how much work it is to be a parent. To be a good parent. It is so much more than just loving these children. Because I love them more than I could have ever imagined. But serving them and raising them is definitely the most selfless thing I could ever do. I have such a deep respect for my own parents and what they have done for me....and for the many other adults who have influenced me. My mom made it look so easy! Ha!

I'm sure I'll read this in a year and laugh at my naivete at what was to come. I see my parents with teenagers at home still and I do realize it doesn't get easier any time soon!

I wouldn't trade this experience of being a mom for the world. It truly is the BEST thing and the HARDEST thing all rolled into one.