Oldest Child and Learning to Parent

There's just something about your oldest. You see them different, you treat them different, and even when you try not to, it happens!

My mom would tell me all the time when Jordyn was younger, maybe 3, "she's still a baby" or "don't be so hard on her". And it would frustrate me because I'd think she doesn't realize how much I am at my wits end with her behavior. I didn't always like that my mom saw Jordyn as a "baby" when I saw her as my smart, big girl who knew exactly what she was doing. Plus, Jordyn seemed big compared to her 1 year old little sister.

At six years old, Jordyn isn't by any means old, but I've started to understand why my mom thought of her as baby-ish still. It hasn't been until my third child that I've learned to relish in the age and not push them into an age or stage that they aren't ready for. People could have told me this would happen (and my mom did) till they were blue in the face, but you don't "get it" completely until you experience it.

It has been quite the journey to get to know my three very different girls. Jordyn is my oldest and has a very strong personality. She and I do a little more head-butting than I'd like and there seems to be a tendency for a power struggle between us. I noticed this happening around age three and it escalated at age 5. It was so hard for me, and I'd get so frustrated with her TOTAL disregard for me that I'd want to stick my tongue out at her or something childish! (don't worry, I never did). Over time, I started to realize that these power struggles were starting a horrible pattern that would be so hard to un-do.

As an example, Jordyn would hit Lexi for some simple reason. Then I'd say "Jordyn, please go to your room for a break from Lexi" and she would immediately give me the dirtiest look and say "No, I'm not listening to you". I would then say "You do NOT talk to mommy that rudely, go to your room now". And she would not budge. And as she could tell that I was getting increasingly upset, she'd actually start laughing. Oh my gosh, it was so frustrating.

I have tried so many things, including positive reinforcements. And I started noticing that once she crossed a certain point, a point that I am still learning to recognize, then it does no good to try to reason with or teach her because she literally can't internalize it. I've started learning that I have to stop her from getting to that "point" or teach her to recognize when she's passed the "point" so she knows what to do.

As I've tried to understand this "Point" I'm talking about, it's sort of hard to explain. But its like her brain doesn't have a regulater to help her feel when she's too tired, too bored or overdone with something. So, her brain switches and she gets out of control. She'll hit, or do childish things (write on the couch) or completely disrespect me. This can happen when she's playing too hard for too long, or even when she's too unstructured for too long. I started to understand this when she would come home from school - which is very structured and she LOVED it - and she wouldn't know how to handle the let down when she got home.

Anway, we are making progress. We seem to clash less and instead of getting mad at HER, I try to help her to recognize what she is feeling. Like the other day, we were getting ready to go swimming after a long, lazy morning and she had hit her "point' of floundering around with not enough direction and she started flopping all over the couch, sitting upside down, teasing Lexi, saying rude things to me, and just had an overall "I don't care, this is sort of fun to make you guys upset" attitude. I kept threatening that we would NOT go swimming if she didn't stop it, but it didn't help for longer than a minute. Finally, I pulled her aside, got down by her and said "Jordyn, you need to stop and take a deep breath. Remember how mommy has talked about that feeling inside? That feeling that you can't control yourself? You need to listen to that and when that happens, that means you need to either go to your room and read, you can color, you can go outside, whatever, but you have to pull yourself back and focus. Focus."

For some reason she seems to get it, and I think she is learning to recognize that feeling. I always wonder how much of the whole overstimulated issue is due to being a preemie. That is totally likely and possible, but regardless I have to teach her to deal with it. Lexi doesn't seem to have this same issue. She seems to have an internal regulator and when she is overdone or tired, she calms down or removes herself naturally, rather than getting more wild and obnoxious. Anyway, this has been a good phase with Jordyn. We've had less power struggles, and I feel less frustrated at her - so that's a good thing.

I love my girls. I can't believe how much better you get to know your strengths and weaknesses when you are a parent. Again, it's something people might TELL you before you do it, but it isn't until it's a firsthand experience that you really start, just start, to get it!