I mean, how do you REALLY know when something is the best decision for you? Some things are obvious....uh.....like broccoli is BETTER for you than chocolate (although we all know which TASTES better). Then there are bigger decisions.......like......should we buy a new car? (like one with dual air which I DON'T have). Then there are HUGE decisions that paralyze someone like me. Like......should we have more children?
I always hesitate to post my deep feelings. Probably because they are personal and don't need to be debated or critiqued by anyone in blogland.
But then sometimes feelings just need to come OUT so you can process them better, right? Okay, so
like it or not, I'm making a list about WHY this latter mentioned HUGE decision plagues my heart and soul (*please remember that these are feelings of me, myself and I with absolutely NO judgement placed on anyone else who may feel different than me!!).
*I currently feel pushed to a do-able limit with three children
*I know that my 5, 3 and almost 1 year old will someday be teenagers, in college then getting married.....can I handle more than THREE of these things!!!????
*I feel like choosing to be pregnant again (albeit a huge blessing) is as scary as saying I will die for about 6 months and then be partially alive for another 3 months...........how the heck will my existing children be fed, clothed, and cared for during my "so-sick-I'm-basically-dead" time?
*So, then adoption comes to mind
*How do I know that is the right decision first of all? Second question....Russia, China, Domestic, ahhhhhh how to decide?
*Back to pregnancy....even if I do decide to "die" again (pardon my analogy, but that is honestly how it feels), there are no guarantees it will be a boy. Is that secretly what motivates Tucker or I to "go for it one more time?"
*Would we specifically adopt a boy? Is that selfish?
*Will the adopted child feel different than my bio children? Will I?
*We should start the adoption process now if I don't want a huge gap since it can take a while!
*Won't it be hard to do piano, dance, homework.....if I have four? I know other people do it....but can I?
*What if I'm a crazy lunatic mother-of-four? Instead of a semi-sane mother of three...
*I would love my children to have three siblings instead of two....is that reason enough?
*What am I saying, my eyeballs are falling out of my head NOW with three? Can I become a regular coffee drinker to keep up with it all if I have another child?
*This list is ridiculously long and random list, but it is literally 1/100th of what I think about.
I know there is no right answer to my ponderings. I also know I don't have to decide now. But I am a planner and like to know what I should be doing next. And I also know people to whom this is not such a dramatic decision. To me, it is. I have always been an extremely cautious person....I'm afraid of going down the wrong/hard path. I also know that I am not alone in this desicion because of course Tucker is in it with me! But he is 100% open to another child, so essentially it DOES lean more on me.
If you made it this far, thanks. I feel better. And, true to character, I will continue my obsessive answer-less thoughts while anxiously awaiting the arrival of a new pink bundle of joy to one of my
best friends in the whole world. Can't wait for some news!!