As a mother, I too often let my mind wander to the possibility of dying and leaving my children prematurely mother-less. The thought of me leaving them....being too young to really know how I feel about them....and about life....can quickly fill me with a deep despair.
Chances are, that won't ever happen. But I tend to dwell on the worse-case-scenarios in life. Coupled with the fact that it happened to my husband as a young boy. His mother died too young and left five children, age 13 and under. I can only hope and pray that if this was my fate, that someone as incredible as my mother-in-law would be led to my children so they could feel my love vicariously.
I so desperately want my girls to know that they are more precious to me than any material possession I could ever own. Their spirits are beautiful and strong. They are examples to me of happiness, curiosity and wonder. And that, even when I'm a grumpy and impatient person, I feel blessed to even know them and I am a better person for it.
I want them to be proud of themselves. I want them to never think that anyone else is better than they are because each of them have a unique and special set of talents - a combination that no one else has! I want them to think of themselves as Princesses. Literally. Because they are. I want them to set the bar really high for themselves. To never settle for anything but the best, because that is what they deserve. I pray that they cling to a deep internally driven set of morals and values - that aren't based solely on religious beliefs, but are strengthened by it.
I want them to have goals. Lots and lots of goals. Because when there is something you are reaching for, it keeps you busy, occupied, happy and fulfilled.
I want them to live by the Golden Rule. It is the most basic of all moral concepts. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.
I want them to love others, be interested in others, serve others, and respect others. This is the key to true happiness.
I want them to take pictures and document their lives! I've tried so hard to do this for them. I want them to be proud of their journey, learn from their journey and preserve their journey.
I need them to know that there is no path they can take that will prevent the pain of life from wounding them. There are certainly paths that will eliminate self-induced pain. But as the nature of our mortal existence, they most definitely will experience lots and lots of pain over the course of their life. I want them to know that these are opportunities to stretch and grow and become who you are meant to be - even though the pain can often feel unbearable. Remember...diamonds are only made after enduring thousands of degrees and thousands of pounds of pressure over a long period of time. But isn't it worth it?
I love you girls. What a lucky mommy I am to have a Jordyn, a Lexi and a Peyton.
xoxoxoxo
5 comments:
Beautifully said- I have felt like such a neglectful mom lately with the circumstances I am in. I was just thinking some of the same thoughts you expressed- especially about Savannah- how in the world do I keep her self esteem up- teach her she is a woman of worth and wonderful. It seems like such a giant task?
Yep, I obsess about not being able to raise my 2 kids...it's something I fight to not think about every day.
So very beautifully said. I feel that way many times, especially when I'm about to go on a trip and leave them for a couple of days. I obsess over the idea that I'm not going to return and wonder if they really know how much I love them and what I hope for them. I have actually written them each a note telling them my thoughts and dreams for them, but probably not as wonderful as you have written. I keep them sealed in an envelope next to our will. I probably should update them ever so often.
That made me cry a little.
Jamie, this is a very beautiful, thoughtful post. I don't think there is a mother out there that has not had the same thoughts at one time or another. And just today, I was thinking how much I want to see all of my grandchildren marry in the temple and be there with them. (And I still have children and step-children to marry off!) I guess we want to hang on to this mortal experience as long as we can! And we want to feel needed and important to others. I, for one, do love mortality and all the pain and joy we experience. Just last night, Becca and I were talking about how important this mortal state is. And how it is such a small part of eternity, but yet so mammoth in importance. Continue your journey and enjoy your sweet family. You are an amazing woman with so many gifts! I feel bless to know you. And thanks for being such a wonderful friend to Katie for so many years. You will always hold a dear place in my heart.
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