Lessons Learned

Like most moms, I am always looking for effective ways to teach my kids responsibility. The last thing I want is for them to obey me because "I told them to". Nor do I want them to learn to obey simply because they don't want to get in trouble. Rather, I want them to learn self-monitoring and to develop their own internal system of good decision making. So I have to come up with the right rewards and consequences, that are predictable and reliable. That way they know its a result that THEY chose (whether good or bad) and not the result that mom-chose-because-she's-in-a-grumpy-mood-and-it's-not-fair.

But this is ALWAYS evolving for us. I'm constantly changing it up and second-guessing myself. Nothing seems to work for very long. But my goal is to be able to give a consequence without getting so upset, flustered, loud or reactionary. So to do that, I have to be prepared ahead of time.

Last week, I realized I wasn't.

I found myself stumbling "if you choose not to _________ since this is the third time I've asked you, then you will........uh.....I mean I will take away........um......then you will go to your room".

And I realized I had no currency. There are not that many things that I can take away from my kids that have enough value to kick them into action. That sounds strange, but it's true.

No Wii? (we don't play the Wii during the week anyway)
No friends over? (we don't have friends over predictabley enough for that to be an immediate consequence)
No T.V.? (we don't watch TV during the week)

You get the idea.

So my newest idea is a consequence jar and a rewards jar.

For the consequence jar: They helped me come up with these. Things like: pull 20 weeds, clean your sister's room, write 20 lines, go to bed 30 minutes early that night.

For the rewards jar: We have this Coupon Book for Kids (sort of like this click here).

So Jordyn was first to get the consequence jar. She chose "clean your sister's room". It was a good one!

The we get to last night. We got home late from a fun afternoon at Grandma and Grandpa's house. I told the girls "whoever I think is doing a great job taking a shower, getting pajamas on, putting clothes in the dirty hamper and hanging up their towel gets to pick from the Rewards Jar!".

Lexi was done first (as always) and picked her reward: "This coupon entitles you to pick whatever show you want to watch, no matter what anyone else is watching". She was happy, and is excited to use it today.

Jordyn was done second. Her coupon said: "This coupon entitles you to one session of everyone in your family telling you all the things they love about you".

Immediate tears. That is so not fair. Lexi got a waaayyy better coupon!

(I was frustrated. Darned ungrateful kids.)

But then I remembered that they are kids. And that's a normal reaction. And it was my job to teach her why that was such a great coupon.

So even though we were all tired, I gathered everyone before bed and said "OK, Jordyn gets her reward right now. Let's all tell Jo what we love about her". So we went around the room. Tucker loved her adventureous and willing nature giving the example of how willing she was to help with the service project of pruning the grape vineyards with our Stake that morning. Lexi loved that she was such a fun sister and that she plays with her. Peyton loved that Jordyn likes to play "mom and baby and give me a bottle". And I loved how smart, beautiful and helpful she is.

By the end of her "love session", she was beaming. She no longer thought it was a dumb coupon, and I think she learned a little life lesson last night.