Getting Personal: Part 2

...cont'd

ON MENTAL WELL-BEING:
I have hesitated over and over to blog (aka journal) about this one. But I cannot shake the pull to do so. I will candidly share my experience with finding mental well-being.

I have always been a proponent for medication to be used to aid in treating depression. However, coming to a point where I was willing and able to recognize that I may need it was another story.

I began to notice a change in myself after the birth of child #3. I couldn’t shake the “paralyzed” feeling, as I would call it. Like my brain was whirling around with all that I could, should, need to do, but I felt stuck.

So about 10 months post-partum, I went to a homeopathic doctor to see if my hormone levels were off. But they were fine. So I kept searching and finally concluded that taking some online college courses toward a teaching credential would give me that life and rejuvenation I needed. And it did for a while because it gave me a sense of purpose aside from motherhood.

And then life kept throwing huge curveballs at me. Left and right.

But I stayed strong. I’m actually really good at that in the heat of a battle. I endure well. And then the crash comes in the aftermath. After too many of these, I started to notice that there were after-effects to “enduring well” (aka gritting teeth and bearing it). Daily tasks and every-day life became too much to bear. Answering the door or phone, feeding the dog, attending a meeting. And I felt this way for a long time. At least a year. I was experiencing “functioning depression”. I was never the kind to stay in bed all day, or not take care of my kids. And I even managed to do huge things like a long-term teaching job for 14 weeks. Those experiences would lift me from my paralysis temporarily. But the minute I’d get home, the black cloud came back and my chest would get heavy.

I began to feel imprisoned by my own brain. I’d hear the same words/thoughts/complaints come out of my mouth over and over, but never would or could do anything about them. I felt like I was functioning, but I was doing it while standing in quicksand. No one would notice from the outside, but from the inside I was trapped by my brain. I worked hard and waited for it to get better. But it seemed to be getting worse.

One day, after the 100th time I’d complained about something (probably finances, messy house, etc), Tucker said to me “I’m sorry that you hate your life so much”. It felt like a slap in the face. But it also really impacted me. He wasn’t saying that to attack me (that’s not his nature), he was saying it because that’s what I was acting like. That’s what I portrayed. Which made me really sad because I genuinely didn’t hate my life. But I wasn’t finding joy in it either. I can’t say it enough: I felt mentally stuck. Quicksand. And then mental exhaustion was horrible. You know how the TV gets hot when left on too long? Or a computer? And you just know it needs to be turned off and have a break? Well, that was my brain. It was so tired from all the wheel turning it was doing. It actually felt like my brain hurt, but I did not know how to turn it off.

So I texted my mom one day. Sort of scared, but also desperate and knowing that she always has good advice. “Hi Mom. If I wanted to try some medication, could I just go to a general md?”.

She immediately calls me. “What’s going on?”. The flood gates came pouring out immediately. I could hardly explain to her the huge monster I’d been keeping inside because I was crying so much. But she was a lifesaver. “I know just who to make you an appointment with. I’ll even take you”. I needed that kind of direction because I felt so confused by my feelings. I didn’t know if I was exaggerating? Would the doctor think I just needed to buck up and deal? As nervous as I was, I figured it couldn’t hurt to get a Dr’s opinion.

When the day came, I was so anxious to put my feelings into words. I felt nervous that I would sound ridiculous. But he knew just the questions to ask and took three pages of notes. Then he looked up at me and said “Well, this is pretty simple”. (I was like …I’m glad YOU think so!). He said “You don’t have addictions or abuse. You have a good life, but you need help living it”. I felt relief when he knew exactly what to prescribe me: Wellbutrin. (Wellbutrin is a norepinephrine and dopamine reuptake inhibitor.)

I cannot explain it properly, but from the very first day I took it, I found myself again. I just felt like ME again. Everyday I would expect the quick-sand to return…but it was gone! I did not feel numb to problems or ignorant to them. I simply felt like my old self. I quickly realized that I hadn’t felt that way for a lot longer than I had realized. Analogy: It was as if I had been twisting in the screws with my fingernails. Getting the work done, but with a lot of exhaustion, slowness and strain. And someone came up and handed me a electric screwdriver. Oh, the relief! The ability to function! To have a thought, and then act on it instead of waste 1,000 hours stressing about it first.

He was surprised it worked so well since I’m taking the lowest dosage. It’s been 2 ½ months now and not a day goes by that I’m not grateful for a clear mind. By no means does life feel easy or perfect. The same exact things exist as did before. But I just feel like my brain is more capable of functioning and handling this small as well as the big. The paralysis is gone. And, sure, I still have bad days or moments. But I feel that I move past them in a much more “normal” way. This has been a huge blessing for me.

to be continued...