Journal

("My View of My Mommy"....by Peyton my newest family photographer)

I feel like all I ever talk or write about it a) my busy schedule and b) being tired. But it's hard to pretend those don't exist, since they are the dominating forces at the moment.

Midway through my fourth week, I'm still surviving and enjoying it even. Last night, I started night class that will last two months. It was hard to get home at 10:00 pm, and I felt extra tired today...but it is a class of 40 other student teachers from around the valley, and I really think I'll learn a lot from them and their experiences.

The teacher encouraged us to journal our experiences. She said that will help with the highs and lows we experience as teachers. So thanks to my blog, I've sort of been doing that!

She also said that had she caught us earlier in our education...she would have told us we were CRAZY for going into this profession! What? Thanks! But she's right. Not an easy career path, but obviously rewarding and meaningful.

As I was teaching math today, I felt my own frustrations surge and I need to learn how to handle them. It's hard to not feel like you're not doing a good enough job teaching when some kids "get it" and others don't. Logically, I know that not everyone learns at the same time and in the same way or same speed. But emotionally, that's hard to swallow and accept. I hate seeing some of the kids zone out because they just don't understand "greater than" or "less than". It makes me feel flustered and frustrated. I don't let THEM know that, but I can tell when I start to feel my voice dry out and the need for the air to be on 60 degrees that I'm hot and bothered. Poor little kids. I don't feel frustrated at THEM, but at myself. I need to learn that balance.

Planning lessons sort of reminds me of planning for motherhood. You have this mental plan of how things should go, and you never factor in all the bumps in the road that throw your plan off. Planning a perfect lesson can sound great in your head, and then the kids are too wild, ask to go to the bathroom too many times, get distracted by their neighbor playing with a piece of string and snot running down their nose!

My mom always says "Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape". So true!

Really though, I just want to take all of these kids home. I love them all for such different reasons, and I really feel strongly about seeing them all as individuals. Yesterday, they were testing in their ability to write 1-100 and one little boy was sort of spacing off and looking around. Mrs. Garza though he was trying to cheat, so she sort of marched up to him and said "Nathan, keep your eyes on your paper! Don't cheat!". And then marched away back to the class (he was with me at the back table). What she didn't see when she walked away were his eyes filled with tears and how hard he was trying to hold back his sadness. I knew he wasn't trying to cheat. And I knew she wasn't trying to be mean. Keeping on top of 20 6 year olds isn't easy! So I just said "Nathan, it's okay. You are doing such a great job! Don't worry, you're not in trouble". And he took some deep breaths and calmed down.

As tired as I am, I am trying really hard to make the little time I have with my girls be good time. I don't get on the computer, I give them lots of hugs and I try to seem really interested in all they have to say. So far, I don't think anyone has been too negatively impacted by the extreme change in our lives. We're making it work. And since the girls are in school most the day, they can relate to what I'm doing at work. It's all sort of connected.

Tomorrow, my supervisor is observing me teach another Math lesson, so wish me luck (and patience).