All I have to say is: Anyone who has/is/plans to raise three or more children deserves a special spot in Heaven, no questions asked. Seriously.
(not that anyone who raises one or two children is any less important or amazing!)
I can't believe how overwhelmed I am as a mother on a constant basis. All too often, I think to myself "what have I gotten myself into!" and "Can I REALLY do this?". Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing it all wrong to make me feel this way, or if this is just how mothers feel even when they look like they've got it under control on the outside?
Come to think of it, I think that's probably how people see me. I don't walk around like a big, messy tornado....and my children and I often look like we've got it all under control when really, inside, I often feel like I'm walking a tightrope and I'm ready to fall off. I don't know. It's so harmful to judge "a book by its cover" I guess.
It's such a conflict of emotions to love these children so much, feel so protective of them, so thankful for them and to truly cherish the role I play of a mother. While at the same time feeling totally inadequate, frustrated, short-tempered and like I'm surrounded by total chaos. ALWAYS. Okay, to be fair, maybe 7% of the time I don't feel this way, but at LEAST 90% of the time I feel totally frazzled.
How do people have more kids? Is it my kids ages, stages, personalities? Who knows.
Before entering motherhood, the things you think about when you picture being a mom are the logistics. Feeding them, bathing them, driving them around, doing homework with them, taking them to soccer, having Christmas morning with them with their huge smiles, etc. What you DON'T picture beforehand are all the pitfalls.....the tantrums, the fighting, the ridiculously huge messes, the spills, the opinions, the disobedience, and the emotional wear-and-tear it takes to know how to handle all of this!
Growing up, I remember my mom occasionally making the comment (when she was frustrated) "I'm not cut out for this!" (meaning motherhood). And, honestly, I really hated it! I never understood WHY she'd say that because I thought she was such a good mom. And even when she'd get upset, I'd forgive her so quickly that my love for her always overrode my frustrations. So I really, really try to not say things like that to my kids (sometime it's hard). Instead, I'll try to explain that "mommy is having a hard time right now, or mommy is frustrated and I need your help" etc. But what I WANT to say is "Everyone get away from me! I am NOT the mommy right now!".
I took dinner to one of my friends from church tonight who has an 11 day old baby. She was so snuggly and tiny and sweet and....most importantly, quiet!! I said "Awww, don't you just LOVE snuggling with her??". And her response was slightly hesitant as she said "Yeeeaahhhh, sometimes". Quickly, my mind raced back to 6 1/2 years ago and remembered how overwhelming it was to have ONE little baby. How my world was turned upside down. And how tired I felt all the time! It really wasn't until my third child that I could really feel what I inquired of my friend of "Awwww, I LOVE snuggling with her!" because it was THEN that I really knew how- even through the exhaustion - short, quiet, precious and simple a small baby really is.
In all honesty, I don't want to back-out, I don't want to erase my kids, but I also don't want to feel totally overwhelmed by the task-at-hand! It just takes CONSTANT balance. And really, I don't know where the energy is supposed to come from to raise these kids! I probably need to pray more, who knows. Raising these children is stretching me so much farther than I ever thought possible...that it actually hurts. I guess I've got constant "growing pains", huh?
To end my vent, I have to say if I could thank God for only one single thing right now, it would probably be that the kids go to bed before me! That way I can refuel for the next day's adventures :-)
7 comments:
This is EXACTLY how I feel many days. Very exhausted and overwhelmed! I can't wait until it's bedtime. It's like I can clock out of my "mommy shift." I get a little irritated when they are late getting into bed because I feel like I'm working overtime. Hang in there! I'm really trying harder to find those moments of joy (and they are many times small moments in the chaos of life) but I am getting better at recognizing and treasuring them. I LOVED Elder Ballard's General Conference talk in April called Daughters of God. It has really helped me.
I think most GOOD moms feel this way. We are perfectionists- maybe thats why we are such good friends so we want a perfect life and perfect kids so it can be more stressful for people like us. I do know other people (my sister in law) that are VERY laid back, and realistically have less stress but have extremely LOW standards for their life- to the point of white trash expectations (HA I AM GLAD SHE WOULD NEVER READ THIS) but I know I would not be happy in her "life style" choices and she probably wouldn't be happy in mine. You are doing amazing. Be a little more gentle with yourself and when the kids are gone lets travel together:)
I can totally relate! Except that I do only have one. But still I love her so much and feel so inadequate at the task as hand. Especially lately because all I want lately is to be left alone and not asked 500 questions a day! But at the same time I know I would not last long without Ava in my life! Motherhood is definitely bitter sweet sometimes.
You are preachin to the choir sister! I always tell Scott, "I am a pretty good mom until 4:30 then I start to frazzle and come unglued, my patience is usually gone." Not something I am proud of, but at least we know that we aren't alone (at least those of us honest blogging mom's) right?!
YOu took the words right out of my mouth!!! It is a constant struggle and test of patience...this mom things. Everyday I pray for more patience and to not raise my voice, but all too quickly I lose my perspective and fall back into negativity. Katie is right on about the perfectionist thing. It is much harder for those of us who have high standard for everything!
You ARE a fantastic mom, or else you wouldn't even be having this venting post. You just wouldn;t even care. I admire you for all that you do for and with your girls, as I am sure THEY do too (even though most of the time they may not really let you know).
Hang in there. I've heard at some point it may get easier???
Amen. I'm right there with you. It's hard, but we can do hard things!
Ahh I could totally relate to this post. I feel like pulling my hair so many times during the day and that's only with two. I want to be a good mom but so many times I feel like a failure especially when it comes to patience.. I try hard not to yell through the day but it never fails and I wind up yelling before the sun sets. I have a good friend who has six kids says and says that the transition from two to three is the hardest. She says 4-6 are a piece of cake but for her having 3 kids was the hardest.
Post a Comment