Opposition. At some point, I hope to finally accept opposition in my life. I mean, sure, I can grasp the concept that “if you never know the good, you can never know the bad” (as the song goes in the play My Turn on Earth, which my kids love). But when it plays itself out in this journey I’m on of motherhood…I can’t seem to accept it.
Truth be told, this opposition in motherhood is completely exhausting. On one hand, I feel extreme love, devotion and gratitude for my girls. I feel like I would do anything for them and hardly a minute goes by where I am not contemplating some portion of the future and how I can better it for them. I miss them when my house is quiet. I love to see their talent blossom, their relationships grow and to see the world keep opening up for them. But at the same exact time (or within nanoseconds of these good feelings), I can feel anger, exhaustion, guilt, failure, inadequacy, tears…and serious urges to run away. But then I would quickly miss them. You see? It’s all very confusing.
I sit here in a moment of silence. We returned home from 17 days gone and within 6 hours, Tucker left on a 5 day business trip to a Superintendents convention in San Diego with his co-workers, Chris and Robert. He just got home like two hours ago and I was SOOOO ready for it because I was at the pinnacle of these opposing feelings. I’m pretty sure the whining, fighting and complaining from the girls was at a very normal level. But, for me, it was amplified by 1,000. And then I quickly turn the frustration on to myself: “I’m not organized enough, I’m not teaching them enough gratitude, I’m turning them into entitled kids, I don’t have enough in me to stand strong against them”. All the destructive thoughts that do absolutely NOTHING but perpetuate the cycle!
I hope we all make it through this journey okay and that my kids know I love them very much, even when I’m telling them “don’t talk to mommy right now, pretend I’m not here”.
I’m also having a condensed thought process as I realize we are on the countdown to school starting. The girls start in 3 1/2 weeks and I start in 5. I have so much I want to do before then! One of them is paint my house. After 7 1/2 years of living in this house…it really needs a makeover. So I got some form of urge (which I used to get WAY more often than I do these days) to run to Home Depot and get paint for my kitchen. I thought I’d get it done to surprise Tucker…sometimes that gives me a deadline to strive toward. But now I feel a bit deflated because I really think I hate it! The good news: It is the snowball that is going to force me into finally starting on the other parts of our house. Take a look:
The yellow is much warmer than it looks in this picture. And because we think we hate it, I have started faux painting some bricks on the wall… attempting a “tuscan” feel. The red that was on the wall before was a suede finish which did NOT go well in the kitchen and had lots of spots/nicks on it. I was ready for something to brighten the room. But maybe not QUITE this much. Maybe it’s the opposition thing again. I will appreciate the end result so much more because I have experienced it getting worse than before.
Wish I could snap my fingers and fix it…or have a handyman on call that could come fix it for me!
I am also feeling very nervous about school this year. I know I made it through one year already, which is awesome. But this next year will be more intense. I have to go to SF almost every single Saturday for 10 months…plus 50% of those I will need to go to class the Friday night before as well! I mean, so often that is our ONLY day as a family to get stuff done. We are busy with church on Sunday…plus we don’t shop or do the same sorts of things on Sunday that we do on Saturday. So for a whole year, I will be gone! Yikes. Breathe, Jamie, i’ll be ok.
