"Mr. I"

Man, I can feel myself stretching and growing every second of every day lately. I feel the mental growing pains like crazy. I have a strange mix of loving what I'm learning....yet deeply longing for my "old life" where I was more in control of my schedule. Right now, I can literally not find the time to run to Wal-Mart. I don't say that as a "look how busy I am" thing because I felt REALLY busy before I was teaching full time. It's just a more imprisoned kind of busy. I can't run a quick errand during the day. I can't manipulate my schedule whatsoever. I am at school from 7:30-4:00 (at least) and then it is the mad-crazy-rush to get homework, softball practice, piano practice, dinner, baths, reading logs, pick up the house, etc etc. By the time the kids are in bed and I plop my tired butt on the couch, it's 8:30 and I try to get to bed by 10:00. So, in that hour and a half (which goes by at warp speed) I cannot possibly care about the grocery store or the laundry or my kitchen, etc. Anyway, it's hard for someone anti-structure as my natural personality is. I would prefer to live much more spontaneously.

This is a pic of me with one of my biggest trials. Mr. I, I'll call him. He drains every cell out of me, which isn't good when I have to still teach 24 other kids! He is tiny, young and WILD. He cannot look me in the eye, write legibly or keep his hands off the others students for more than one minute. He repels rules and structure. Yet he's sweet and just really immature, with the potential for retention and ADHD.

After 5 weeks of devoting every ounce of myself to him and "fixing" the problem (like I felt a good teacher could/should do) I finally talked to the principal and accidentally cried in front of her. I was truly overwhelmed. She is the nicest principal I can ever imagine. She immediately went to work. I guess I equated my asking for help with failure. I know now that isn't true. Anyway, she has come in the classroom, taken him for time-outs, met with the parents and is actually in the process of changing him to a diff classroom. That might sound extreme, but the classroom next door has four less children and a teacher of 10 years. Since he is a strong canditate to be retained this year, that recommendation should not come from a sub, but rather a contracted teacher. I totally understand it, but also can't help but feel like I've failed a bit.

There is something about teaching that is so similar to being a mom to me. (Except with way more paperwork and way more kids). For me it is overwhelming because I feel like no matter how much I try and how much I put into it....there is ALWAYS more I could/should do. There are SO many options and tricks and methods and workbooks and games and strategies. There is always someone out there who does it better than you, and it's easy to compare to them. I guess it's an evolution, just like motherhood though. And no one said I'd finish my credential and POOF be a perfect teacher. But I'm a perfectionist (a downfall) and that is really hard for me. I have always felt like if I work hard enough, I can succeed. But "succeeding" as a teacher is absolutely NOT instant gratification.