Consequences

Tonight at 6:45, Jordyn was scheduled to visit a local observatory to see the planets through a high powered telescope.  Her teacher invited their class to go, and since they have been studying the solar system, she was REALLY excited to go. 

But from the moment Jordyn got home from school, she had a hard time staying on task, and focusing.  I let them play for a while since Thursdays are our less-scheduled day, and then had them start their homework.  For nearly two solid hours, I had to stay on top of her constantly to get her to even do one line of homework….and then unload the dishwasher, etc.  The ratio was: every ten times I’d ask her to do something, she would do one tiny part of it.  1/10 is not good enough around here. 

One of my simple tactics is the three strikes you’re out rule.  I give them warnings (strikes) and if they get to the third one, there is a consequence (which I clearly state from the first strike).

 

So today I was sad that, by the time dinner came, Jordyn had already reached 2 1/2 strikes (I don’t usually do the half points, but I was desperately trying to throw her a bone here).  I pulled her aside, had her look in my eyes and stand still, and had her repeat after me what it would mean if she reached three strikes.  She repeated, “I won’t get to go to the observatory”.  That’s right, and I reminded her to be really careful for the next 45 minutes.

 

I try REALLY hard to not offer consequences that I can’t keep.  This one was hard because I knew how much she wanted to go, and I wanted her to have the experience.  But it was also a privilege, not a mandatory event.  Still, from the minute the words left my mouth, I sent begging vibes for her to NOT make me follow through with the consequence!

 

So about 20 minutes later I heard Peyton wailing loudly.  I ran in the room,  “What happened” I asked.  My heart sank as Peyton told me that Jordyn had hit her.  She hadn’t asked for help, hadn’t tried to walk away, just hauled off and hit her.  Strike three :-(

 

I looked at her and sadly told her she wouldn’t be able to go to the observatory.  She was sad, but seemed to quickly move on.  I was surprised.

 

Fast forward about 30 minutes.  She finished her shower, got dressed and came out in the living room.  Tucker was reading the girls a book…and she looked up at me and said “Mom, what time are we leaving for the observatory?”.

 

My heart sank again.

 

“Jordyn, you are not going remember?  You got three strikes and this was your consequence.  I warned you all afternoon”.  She must have not believed me the first time.

 

Then the heartbreaking tears began.  Non stop tears.  And lasted for 45 straight minutes until she went to bed and fell asleep.  She was so mad and sad that she couldn’t go and I felt like a piece of crap.

 

I sympathized with her for her sadness.  I tried to remind her how it happened, because her initial reaction was to blame Tucker and I for being so mean. (Admittedly, I did feel mean.)  But at the same time, I really, really, REALLY want my kids to learn consequences of their choices.  But how do you know, as a parent, when you’re doing it the right way?  Millions of questions through my head as I watched her cry and feel so devastated.  Was I wrong to use that as a consequence?  Was this teaching her or crushing her?  Will it be a lesson learned?  Oh man, who really knows. As hard as it was, I think it would have done more harm in the long run had I retracted the consequence and let her go anyway.  She’d learn that I don’t mean what I say, which is not what I want.

 

Whew.  Well, one thing is for sure.  This is only the very tiny beginning of hard choices and consequences.  Tiny, itsy bitsy beginning compared to what harder issues are in our future, of that I am sure.  So I better practice now on the “small stuff”!