No Words

29 days ago, my brother was still alive.  

Our family was experiencing a pretty big loss with Lindy and the kids moving to Texas.  We were sort of in a "mourning" state already because their leaving totally changed daily life as we've known it for 8 years.

8 days after they drove away, Ryan was killed in a truck accident.  A sudden, shocking, horrific accident.  And suddenly, our mourning and loss was pushed to a whole new level.  A level that it is impossible to ever feel prepared for and a level that is surely impossible to feel capable of enduring.

I have wanted to journal my thoughts, my feelings, our family's experiences through this nightmare.  But I haven't had the energy or clarity of thought to make sense of any words.  I still don't feel that I do.  But I feel that I have to at least try.

The layers and levels of pain, confusion, sadness and loss are so deep.  And they are not linear.  There is no order to the layers.  They swirl around and take turns at the surface of my brain.  Human nature wants to make sense of it all, wants to put those layers in some semblance of order so they are comprehensible.  But that is not possible.  It is literally impossible.

So then in order to endure, we have to stop trying to make sense of it.  I am trying to let the layers surface and accept each one at a time.  There is no way to frame this to make it feel okay.  No matter how much I think about it, my mortal mind will never make it feel okay.  I will never hear enough of

"well...here's how it coulda been worse", or 

"at least he was in a good place when he died", or 

"I know he's feeling joy now", or 

"you'll see him again someday"

that will ever make it feel good or okay.  I think it's just getting used to the change, the hole, the pain, the loss.  Adjusting to it...just as you would if you lost a limb.  You would never stop wishing you HAD that limb back, but you would adjust to living without it.

There are so many parts I want to write about.  But this is all I can muster at the moment.